If God had a wallet your picture would be in it!

Cat and Mouse

2008-04-08T12:30:05+02:00

So all ye wise... tell me how do we know we've fallen in love? I seem to have got rather put off by the whole 'oh you just know' answer so can I have the analytical minds out there pander to my analytical self and give me some food for thought?!

yes, I've been battling within myself again - only this one I think I even have God wanting to give me one good cane shot! Thing is, its the proverbial issue; girl likes boy, boy does not know that girl likes boy and girl does not want to tell that she likes him, so girl gets all coy and old fashioned and not mention a little pre-occupied by the whole scenario which to boy doesnt even exist!!!

Its all quite maddening really... this game of love as long as it remains a game cannot be won fairly! I am in that predicament of 'liking' someone who is too much like me... Someone who will not make the first move for fear of bungling the whole darn thing up! I also have staked my place as the mouse and do not want to be the aggressive cat - I want to be a traditionalist in this matter - I believe that there are some things that are just better that way

I might add that the 'boy' is one that has hit my radar before but only now seems to be flagging off all the right signals... and somehow, my beacon does not seem to attract his!!!!!!!!! Saying that though, apart from a shy meeting nothing else has been done.

oh well... thats me venting....

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Faith the size of a mustard seed

2008-03-27T12:42:57+01:00

So God threw me another challenge! I have changed jobs, changed my outlook on friends, changed the way I live (not forgetting; where I live), changed my attitude to family, and changed the way I look at my life... Phew!!! All this in a matter of months!

I knew that '08 was going to be one of those change years and here I am on the threshold of the first quarter with a totally recharged, rehashed life-makeover!What's amazing is that I got it for free

It hasnt been easy... no pain no gain... remember? Anyways, life took me through a series of incidents, good and bad and some even frightful to get to the state that I'm in today. I'm not saying that I completely enjoy the new me and the new life but I know one thing and that's that I am really not alone in my exciting journey... have you ever just so totally trusted someone to the point that you could fall back just knowing that there's someone there to catch you? Well that's what I did - fell back, eyes closed, smile on my face in complete abandonement to God. So there began my life of total and absolute dependence.

Like I said there were scary moments when I even thought my life was threatened but then nothing ever happened; and that my friends, is my Lord... There were times when I thought I would just quit my job and then miraculously after a sorrowful sob and a quick heart wrenching prayer, things would be ok... how my mother would put me into emotional blackmail.. and then I'd get frustrated and angry and then just pray for her... she would change overnight...and today I realised that I might be entering into a whole new phase in my life (which I wont tell you just yet)

People be amazed at how God works in you - its a worthwhile 'experiment' and one with no side effects or sudden explotions! Total submission is never easy or seemingly possible but faith the size of a mustard seed is enough to move a mountain.. that I have done and wow - its the greatest feeling of liberation I have ever known!

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Thank you for all you've done

2007-12-31T12:45:40+01:00

In all that I do, in all that I have become
You were the One who made me change
You changed my heart and gave me pure hands and made me blameless before Your Throne of Grace
The gratitude I have is too much to contain, You picked me up from the gutter and gave me Your perfect rest
The world thinks I lack but in You I am rich, what will I ever be without You, my God of Peace

In turmoil and struggle You said, 'Be still', the battles I faced You fought and won them for me
In desolation and loss You comforted me,Your rewards are plenty each time I obey
In You I know no loneliness, there is no emptiness
You said You came to fulfill the Word I'm glad your plans included me,
We have walked with each other for 3 years and more, I'm hung up on you Jesus, I will never let you go

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Under Attack

2007-08-02T06:04:53+02:00

Its amazing how trying life can become, how everything around you seems like it couldn't get worse than this...
Its been one of those seasons where God is testing me for a higher purpose, and its a battle that has new battlefields and armies to fight on a daily basis. How amazing also that God teaches me what He is doing in my life whilst I battle to keep my faith and thus my sanity.
My day is incomplete without my trusty 'Daily Bread' bible reading and message. From the start of this week, God has been comming down from heaven to talk to me through this little booklet. On Monday God spoke to me about how every good gift and every perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights (James 1:12-20)- it was about God's unconditional love for me, for all of us. On Tuesday I was struck hard in the office which drove me to tears... It was then that I read Psalm 54, the Daily Bread reading for the day... In short God told me that He is 'my Helper' (v4). God knew and felt my tears as I cried out to Him for strength. Wednesday was just a myriad of mishaps - sadly its only today that I realized what God had spoken to me about the day before; James 1:2-3 says 'My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the trying of your faith worketh patience', it says further that I could seek God's wisdom by just asking for it in faith... and finally verse 8 of the same chapter says that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways... yes, I was unstable, which meant I was double-minded. Double-minded about God's love and security and promises. I doubted God by not trusting Him; not waiting on Him (Blessed is he that waits on the Lord), not believing that His grace IS sufficient for me! How awful God must feel everytime we cease to trust Him. God is constantly trying to prove His undying love for us but we never let Him... How grieved I am right now that I refused my Father of lights, and with all my heart I ask for His forgiveness and put my hand in the hand of the Lord... Our awesome God!

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Repentent Love

2007-07-16T09:53:50+02:00

Looking back the number of relationships I've been in is countless; each time i was searching for that one thing - true, unconditional love. Fact is I didnt quite know myself what true love entailed all I knew is that I wanted it!

Crazy as it was - and not surprising as it turned out - I was sourly disappointed. I'm not afraid to say that my 'got dumped' box far exceeds by 'dumped' box... If there is one thing I hold true at this point is that I am the dumbest thing walking when it comes to choosing the right guy!

It hasnt been all bad - there were some pretty good souls, and one very good one. Unfortunately the issue of wrong place, wrong time came up and oh well... thats that!

The reason I'm somewhat chirpy about my lack of discernment for men is because I know that its not my decision anymore! And I've found my lack of love in Jesus - today my world seemed actually brighter, my face softer and my spirits souring. today I could tell myself that nothing was going to bring me down and say it confidently knowing that Jesus was right there to make sure nothing happened! All this was a result of a transformation Jesus was doing not just in my life but in the lives of my fellow brothers and sisters in church.

This Sunday in church is what I like call 'Repentance Sunday'. We have been having a tough month as a church. The Lord was really chastening us about sin and lack of commitment and arrogance in our hearts. We were as a church and as individuals pretty caught up in our 'earthly world' and put our 'spiritual world' second! Week in week out, we faced constant rebuke, and from a church that used to hear from the Lord everytime we met - we became routine, and mundane and the presence of the Lord was harldy felt...

Since this turn around it has taken my tiny, but oh so precious church weeks to sort out its heart. As a token of physical faith and repentance we had to jot down every single sin on paper for this Sunday. I took out one blank sheet of paper thinking it would suffice, only to find that i needed 10 more! And yes I used both sides of the sheet. Each one of us were compelled to get in tune with Jesus - if there was one thing we wanted as a church it was to get right with the Lord. So as a community and as individuals we wrote down every thing from so called minute sins to the really big ones... How amazing it is that we are so very flawed.

The run up to this Sunday was simply amazing also. Some of us had heard from the Lord including me - really positive scriptures about the reward for those that repented and warnings also to not return to sin and even more amazing; scriptures about the calling of the church itself! Jesus gave our little congregation the sweetest word -that He likes to dwell with us and visit us in His dwelling place!

Come Sunday morning there we were with our sheets of paper waiting to symbolically burn them - during worship, which was so uplifting - i heard a distinct command, which i have never heard before; I was led in the middle of worship to turn my bible to Luke 15:21. I thought it was another rebuke because it was about the prodigal son confessing that he is not worthy of his father's love. Then I read on till verse 24 where the son decided to go back home to his father and the father hearing of this ran out in joy to meet him half way! I shared that word with the church and my heart lept for joy because I knew that Jesus had accepted my call of repentence and forgiven me. Suddenly I felt a rush of love that I had felt only when I received water baptism a year ago. I also realised how far away I had fallen from the Lord and His Presence.

My joy was only going to get better when later on my pastor told me that God is going to use me to build His church. I feel so honoured and blest - for as was told to me a few days earlier, my first job on this world is to do God's will and secondly to do the will of whatever else... I was worried cos I didnt know what God wanted me to do - now I know that I just have to be led...

My overwhelming feeling was a rush of pure, unadulterated love; wave upon wave of the love of God... I've been on a high ever since and want to cling tightly to it cos it feels so very good.

I know that I am finally at a place where the Lord can work in me and through me and I know that this is the good future which was prophesied over me some weeks ago... Isnt it great to know that great things lie ahead of you?

I know that God's grace is sufficient for me and that I will be able to 'go boldly before His throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need' (Hebrews 4:16). This was the word chosen for me in the beginning of this year.

How vast and great is God's plan for us when all He wants of us is to love Him with all our heart and with all our soul... Alleluia!

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title-2626250

2007-07-13T08:22:46+02:00

Its been a trying couple of weeks for me. Which is why I've been away from talking to you. I needed to get back into perspective again; you see I had lost my first love and even though I didnt realise it; I had let is go for too long. So retracing my steps and finding my starting block has proven to be difficult..

I have not got there yet and I'm still being led but God knows I feel a lot better than the loss I felt 2 weeks ago.

God said one thing to us that should be a banner to our souls; 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'(Matt 11:30)

Life is difficult we know that, the rat race alone could kill you! There was one week just before my serious rebuke from the Lord came that I confessed that Satan had robbed all my time that week... I had no idea how desperately out of God's realm I was! How easy it is to think that alls well with the Lord and you. Its easy to go on thinking that He is always there and He will provide and protect and guide. But the fact remains that God needs you and me as much as we need Him and we hardly reciprocate our emotions to the depths and the heights that He does with us!

Luke 14:26 says that if we love our parents, brethren, children then we cannot be the disciples of Jesus. Thats a pretty astounding statement from the God of Love. But you see God is deeper than that; He requires undivided love and attention. He is after all the God of Love, shouldnt He deserve it? Does this mean then that we hate the people we are to love? No, not at all. Just look at the scriptures -Jesus said to His disciples (us) 'love one another as i have loved you' (John 13:34), (Romans 12:10) 'Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.' and finally; 'let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.' (1 John 4:7).

So what then does God want us to do? Lets go back to the Bible. In Genesis 22, Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his son Isaac. Think about it - would you sacrfice your own flesh and blood for Jesus, for anyone? To actually kill your child? But that was the extent of faith and love that God commanded of Abraham; the father of the nations, which he, in faith, proceeded to do and at the last moment God stopped him. It may seem rather appalling for many but to me its a magnificent test of faith and love for God. Its a clear example that God requires ALL our love and to not put anything above Him or in line with Him.

Then you might ask; 'Is God too demanding? Does He have the right to tell us how to love our families? Isnt jealousy a bad thing?'. All these questions are valid, but; and forgive me from quoting the bible but its the only way to ensure clarity; God says in Deuteronomy 6:1-5 that we are to love the Lord our God as these are the commands, decrees and laws that He has directed that we learn. the passage concludes that we must love the Lord with 'all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength'. Now go back to Matthew 11:30 which is stated above; 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'. Hey this is meant to be easy for us people! If only we are obedient to God and put Him above all other things. Is this fair? Absolutely! Who actually did die for all of us? Jesus did. God's only begotten Son, sent down to earth to live as man and suffer death on the cross for us, so that we may live! God the Father had to make that decision that Jesus His Son face suffering, rebuke, persecution, judgement, and a horrific death just to save the lives of you and me. Jesus, the Son took up His cross for our sins even though He is sinless and innocent. Do we then still have the audacity to ignore the Lord and downplay His majesty and make Him 2nd best or nothing at all in our lives?

Our God is a jealous God which is why He commanded that we worship no other gods but He. Other gods can be just about anything or anyone that we set above God in our lives... This is where I had gone wrong. I had out myself above God.

But God is merciful and full of compassion. Several weeks ago the Lord spoke to me thru the word in 1 Samuel 12:14; 'If you fear the LORD and serve and obey him and do not rebel against his commands, and if both you and the king who reigns over you follow the LORD your God-good!' This was what I had to do to make all things right. I have started to meditate on the word and by the advice od my beloved pastor to all the Church was to right out our sins and come with them on Sunday so that we simply confess them repent for it and burn them! A renewal of sorts but this time straight from the heart!

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Learning to accept that you are nothing without God

2007-07-02T11:54:47+02:00

This weekend was an awakening for me. Thinking that I was doing fine with my relationship with God only to feel like a complete Homer Simpson when I found out how much I had broken the Lord's heart...

There was something I had not totally given up to Him there was something that as usual I thought I could handle. I didnt want to burden the Lord, it didnt matter that He is omniscient and omnipresent and simply wants to carry all our burdens for us, big or small! I carried and harboured this burden for months and it ate me up because I knew it was the one thing blocking God's glory from entering my life. I realize now that even though i could feel the presence of God when i worshipped it still wasnt complete; there was more that He so wanted to give if I had only done the same.

I have prayed about it but not completely in faith and that was wrong... I knew that going public with my 'issue' would only mean hurting the people I love the most - so again I got back to being the great protector!

Yesterday, we were given a rude but much needed awakening! We had as a congregation got complacent with the Lord. Not one of us were blameless. I, yes I, was and probably still is a hypocrite without loyalty to God or the Church! A hard one to swallow but true nonetheless. It proved to me that i dont dig deep enough into the roots of my own heart and dredge up the crap thats at the bottom, the stuff that clogs up God's way in my life. I realised that I was selfish, stubborn and damn self centered and that was a horrible feeling. I later realised in the day through God's intervention that my 'private issue' became a 'public one'! You know what? My prayers were answered and God had realised that He had to intervene without me pandering along!

It was a blow out but a much needed one - one that had to be sorted out among people, people that i love dearly. I know now that God has restored my soul from the sin of silence and that block in my life has been removed! yet again He has proved that he is the Author of Life and I am glad that God took control just when i was going to give up on being a Christian! yes, I was really going to do that. I thought to myself 'I'm not cut out for this'. How wonderful my Jesus is who thought 'no she is precious enough to save', even though i feel like the scum of the earth! When this happened I learned that there was one thing that is said in the Bible - 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'... The more I harboured this burden the heavier it got; but today I am as free as an eagle! In the Bible Jesus also says; 'go and sin no more' - I have been given that choice and I know that my walk with Jesus has to be closer than what it was. I am truly nothing without Him!

There are going to be some good changes in my life - I'm a hard shell to crack but I know that even though I may give up on God sometimes He will never give up on me. How wonderful to know that in everything in life there's always a way, whether its from the very jaws of death - with Jesus there is always, always an answer, all you have to do is truthfully - and I emphasise; truthfully say 'Jesus, I have sinned, and I have shamed You, I am sorry with all my heart, dont turn away from me Lord, cos I need you to get me thru this, I need you. Take me; Hear I am'. Jesus sees straight into the heart of man and if He sees genuine repentance He is there with His arms wide open!

I have trusted Him before - I just need to keep on trusting Him and be more vigilent that I dont hurt the closest thing to my heart and try to mend the broken threads with prayer and heartfelt repentence...

Please seek Jesus today - He is all that you will ever need, and thats a promise!

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De-frazzled

2007-06-26T05:24:22+02:00

Unfortunately, getting stressed for me is a pastime! I know that a lot of you might think its a 'female' tendency but whether it is or not I have it and I dont like it!

Yesterday a colleague of mine who recently left the organisation said that we might close down very soon. BOOM!!!! That was it - the stress wheels got straight into action, emitting all sorts of scary possibilities - one thought that flew across my mind was that I would be plunged into abject financial doom till forever!

I immediately got on the internet and started to scout job sites and got my self into a ridiculous whirl! I thought listening to music would calm me down - but all I could think of was not being able to pay off the lease on my car and having to move back to my mother's house!

With logical thinking completely out the window I decided to go for a good hour of kick boxing. With what I thought were my frustrations completely kicked out with a vengeance I actually felt better. Only to find that I had an incredibly restless nights sleep.

Whoever said things are always better the next morning; was actually right! As a practice - I have to begin my day with God and whilst reading today's bible verse God reminded me of the time Jesus was on a fishing boat on the sea of Gallilee when harsh winds started to rock the boat which was getting filled with water. Panic stricken fishermen quickly awoke Jesus who simply held out His hand over the water and asked it to calm down... As simple as that...

With Jesus every storm is a storm in a tea cup - left up to me its a virtual tidal wave! After Jesus had calmed the seas He asked the fishermen if they had any faith at all; they were stunned amazed that a mere man could even control the seas. Left alone we cant, but in Jesus' Name we can. I transferred this scenario into my situation and felt like a complete heel! I had to go back to my confessions of faith to realise who and what God is it to me. I had to repent and ask for renewed blessings this morning - How blessed am I to sit on the lap of my Father in heaven and pour out all my worries to Him and know that He will make me ok again.

Faith is knowing that with Jesus no matter what the situation is He only has your best interests at heart - and He is faithful...

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Am I Righteous?

2007-06-25T07:25:44+02:00

Today's Bible reading has a very, very interesting and hopeful phrase. Its taken from Psalm 55:22, which says, 'God will never let the righteous fall down'

Now it also raises the question of 'am I righteous?'. Today is my mother's brithday, our relationship has always been strained and its one that causes me to fall away from God which ever way I choose to go. If I stay we argue, if I leave her we don't talk at all! The latter being a far better option at the moment and so I have been living on my own for nearly a year now.

I know that the bible says we should honour our father's and mother's, scripture further outlines that parents are given God-like importance and we as children are to obey them as we obey God. What happens then if our parents are not walking in a God-like manner and we seemingly are?? I'm not saying that my mother is un-Godly neither am I calling myself worthy of being totally righteous, but where then do I find a spritual balance between the precepts of God and the limitations of the flesh? So I went back to the bible. There are a ton of passages about obedience and the importance of taking heed of the counsel of parents. My issue lies herein; I'm a committed Christian, which to my mother is just a half baked, 'charismatic' form of worship that is simply unaccceptable; to her its a form of a cult! She is a Bhuddist convert and now an orthodox Anglican. My family are the 'pillars' of the local Anglican church. I was also part of this 'religious' upbringing - the difference to me now is that my 'upbringing' is spiritual and God-led. I'm judged by the way of my heart and not simply by my works.

Try as I might to convince her otherwise it just caused division in an already so called 'Christian' household. It was then that I read a bible verse in the New Testament that my choice to follow Jesus would cause division between brothers and sisters, parents and child; where belief in God is simply religious and not spriritual. The bible further said that i will come under heavy persecution and slander - all of which I did and probably still do from within my family...

Trying to deal with my inner hurts, frustrations and anger about this situation has had a baring on my spirituality and my ability to call myself righteous before God. The fact that my family was not an affectionate one does not help the way I feel toward them. Its been tough trying to forgive...

I do know one thing though, my mother does pray, and I know that somewhere in those prayers out of hurt, anger or is just through pure maternal duty, she still prays for me. And I need to resolve that that is all I need from her. The rest is up to me. I had resolved a while ago that I wasnt going to let anyone or anything come between Jesus and me, and even if it killed me I would choose to do the right thing by God. It doesnt always work; and often you choose the low road instead of the high one. Its times like this that you ask yourself the question 'What would Jesus do?'

Didnt Jesus leave His earthly parents, Mary & Joseph, and follow the instructions of His Father in Heaven? Didnt His earthly parents understand that Jesus had a chosen way to Walk? They did. They accepted it, they even accepted the fact that He would have to die to save mankind. The Mary and Joseph of the bible are real, not fairytale actors and are part of the life of Christ and are no different from parents of today, accept that maybe they were more in tune with God than we are.

My goal is to walk in righteousness as Jesus walked on earth. Do I accept blame for my mother's hurt? Yes, I do. Am I righteous? Yes, because I love Jesus, and the laws He has set before me, and I perceive in my heart to please Him; and I embrace my cross and will rejoice in my trials and persecutions because the Lord said 'I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler.'

This does not make me sinless or blameless cos God's Work is in progress in my life but it does make me hopeful, that I will reign in righteousness ordained by God one day, for His Word further says that 'The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.'

'Praise God, for His mercy endures forever'

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Food for thought

2007-06-23T21:29:41+02:00

Isn't it amazing how when it comes to your physical appearance people become like mirrors with opinions!!

All my life I've been either 'too fat' or 'too thin' mostly 'too fat'. The most blatant comment I ever got was 'Oh my God, you are so huge, arent you doing anything about it?!', this from a guy that probably had a 38 inch waist!!!!

I've realized that people notice the slightest changes, it beats me how well tuned their powers of observation are. I've become accustomed to 'you've put on weight', 'gosh if you fall dont expect us to carry you', even people I barely know have something to say about the way I look and its not always complimentary!

There was a time when it mattered and I lost 20 kilos drastically and it made me close to being anorexic! What dawned on me later on is that words are like sharp swords that pierce right into the heart... thats really sad... Its hurtful and cruel and can do serious damage to someone

Thankfully - I have ceased to care what people think and say. What amazes me is that the ones who comment on the way I look have pretty serious physical flaws which I wouldnt dare to point out - its just not me to do that

I also realised that I am not stereotypical and I dont ever want to be like everyone else. Life would be way too boring that way; being different makes me unique and if I want to be fat or thin its up to me.

Personally - I like what I see and as long as I dont scream in fear when I look at myself in the mirror - this is the way I'm going to stay.

God may have asked us to look after the bodies He gave us, but He never said we should idolise or worship them...

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Road Rage!

2007-06-23T20:05:20+02:00

Its been one of those weekends - your nerves are as raw as sushi and if anyone dare to even breathe in your direction you'll probably burn them to a cinder with just one look!!!

I guess it started on Thursday. I consider myself to be a good, safe, stable driver... much to general opinion in my home country where female drivers are just pittiful and should know their place which is in the kitchen! Well I'm not one to get bullied on the road or get vexed or intimidated by 'bullish' drivers. This current position of mine came after several years of yelling obsecenities at drivers, driving like maniac to prove a point to someone and thus getting to work with a headache that if continued would have caused a brain tumor! I finally realized that there are some races you just cannot win and that no matter how angry you get its only affecting your level or stress and not anyone else's. So I calmed down - nowadays I just try, try, and try to bless those that curse me and pray for those that try to run me off the road; I have to say that one of God's toughest tests to pass as a believer is the one of driving in Sri Lanka! Keeping it cool does not come easy!! Believe me!

So there I was Thursday evening, making my perilous journey back home when a three-wheeler barges into my lane and stops to drop off his passenger without so much as a signal.. temperature gauge up 2 notches. Then a man on a motorbike decides he wants to go across my car to the other side of the road... again no warning, no signal, temperature up about 4 notches. Then there's the usual busses that run their service not for the ease and comfort of their passengers but simply to get ahead of the bus in front of them at any, I repeat, at any cost!
Its no wonder that busses in these parts have gruesome dents on all 4 sides of them and unfortunately fatalities are common, very, very common!! That was it for me! Boiling Point had arrived. From then on, all the roads heard that day was the blaring sound of my horn!!!

I got home that day angry, frustrated and like a bat out of hell! I was angry for biting the 'scandalon' and falling into the fray with Satan's gang of thugs!!

Friday was no better. I told a friend of mine that if you can drive here then you can pretty much handle the war zones of Baghdad and dodge bullets and missiles with relative ease! Aggression and rudeness seem to be the norm in driving here. My pastor puts it best, 'Galle Road (the main highway)', she says, 'is ruled by Satan', I couldnt agree with her more!

I reckon that chaos reigns where arrogant minds play... people are just blinded by their own arrogance and pride to bother to think about someone elses right to be on the road. But what then does that mean to me?? Do I become as arrogant as they are? Do I become a bully? A road hog? A thug? I think not... there are some things that are just too precious to me; the gift of compassion, patience and above all Godly fear; I do faulter on the patience bit alot though, I have to confess
Its dawned on me since that God is in control of me and from now on if I need to lose it on the road all I need to do is to expend that energy of rage by trying to praise God who knows and sees all things and will come through for me. To help me on my way and keep me focussed I have a worship CD which through gritted teeth I sing to and people - this works! and its amazing how the Lord in His Heavenly Humour turns the joke right back on the joker!

For those with road rage - keep the faith, look to God, His just a song away!

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Earthly Fear to Godly Fear

2007-06-22T07:58:06+02:00

So this is how it all began...

Aged 17 - I lost my Dad, who died suddenly. I was devastated... I'm not even going to get into the myriad of crazy thoughts that flew around in my head cos it just hurts...

That was my first reality check from God. That was 15 years ago... God's work had pretty much started with a bang

We were always a 'religious' family, church in Sunday was a formality, I even joined the church choir. Life was easy for a while. I got into a stable relationship with a guy I have known since my childhood, he was accepted into the family and I was studying well and looking good and life was just the best it ever was!

Aged 21 - I should have known that good things never last for long - I know that now - it was a test, a shaping of my character - one that I failed pathetically...

My relationship with Mr. Stability ended out of what feel was pure gossip which we fell victim to and I then 'fell in love' with someone else.. someone that was pretty much the devil himself!In time, the abuse started and I was wrapped up in a world that turned ugly. I became a completely used piece of flesh. Controlled in every way, from what to eat to what to wear... You might think why I let it happen. The fact is that he knew I feared him... he would go to bizarre lengths to deface me and he did. I had to protect not just myself but my family who didnt deserve to go through the shame that he put me through. I tried to hide it all I could until one day I came home with a black eye and warning signs came up all over the place...

Its also amazing how you can have hell fires brewing inside you and chaos abounding in your life and you still have the ability to look like everything is fine. I recall someone telling me they wish they had my life - I nearly choked myself to death with hysterical laughter! I dont think I have cried so much in my life. And it was all my doing - for the first time the only person I could blame was myself. That was a hard pill to swallow.

The repurcussions of this 'relationship' were tremendous. My reputation went down the drain, in a small community, I became branded as a high class whore. My friends (particularly the male ones) were threatened by thugs, my feeble attempts of finding comfort with other male friends turned disastrous as they either just wanted to go to bed with me or they were just plain scared to even talk to me. One even left the country! Nobody gave me the benefit of the doubt. I dont blame them - I started blanking friends out to protect them. no one understood the level of abuse I was going through - I couldn't even tell them. Only 3 friends stuck with me right through - to this day I am so grateful to them.

This saga took away 6 years of my life - my 20's gone to the dogs... I watched as friends got married, had kids, went abroad and made something good out of their lives - whilst I got left behind in my own little hell on earth... Self pity??? You bet I had all of it! I even wrote to an evangelist on the internet asking for prayer and when he wrote back he said that I needed to acknowledge my sin. I had to admit that I had done wrong... I went into this relationship with my eyes wide open; knowing that I would be doomed from the very beginning. I went through things I never thought I had to go through and horrors that I never thought I would have to face. My Mom has no clue of the details - it would kill her if she knew.

God, however is always merciful. From that moment on I felt His strength, or at least 'a' strength. He gave me a spirit of boldness that I never thought possible. One day I just snapped and thought 'Right! Enough is enough!'. I came to my family and confessed all and with their backing started fighting fire with fire... I remember a time trying to speed away from him in a tiny car and decided that the only way out was to make a hazardous move to overtake a 40 foot container lorry. So I did only to find that there was yet another container coming towards me... I kept my hands on the wheel and closed my eyes... I dont know what happened but I made it... Even when I didnt know Jesus the way I know Him now; He saved me from torture or even death..

After months of threats, blackmailing, slandering and instilling abject fear in so many of my loved ones... God miraculously (cos yes it was a miracle) opened the door for me to leave the country. I had everything working against me, my age, my skills, my finances, everything; but when God has control over the situation nothing stands in His way. So I got passed to go abroad for 2 years... My last thought before I boarded the plane was 'joke's on you mate'... My ghost from the past was finally dead...

late 20's - with most of my 20's wasted away I tried to salvage whatever I had left. I remember walking around on my own without looking over my shoulder was so liberating, also not jumping out of my skin when the phone rang was so, so welcome! I got a job I earned well and I made great friends... Then the good Doctor walked into my life... You must understand that as much as I knew God I didnt embrace Him, we or I didnt have a relationship with Him.. so I met a guy who is a Doctor, who I thought was the stability I needed for life. It was nice having someone around as a companion and as much as we didnt see eye to eye on a lot of things I was attracted to his level of decency and honesty. He was, and I believe still is a lovely guy with a gracious heart...

The 30's are about to begin - On the threshold of turning 30 I had to return home... I left kicking and screaming! I hated to come back home and the good doctor hated that fact too! My sister, who I love and adore is a born again Christian - he's parting words to me was 'dont get involved in that church!'. He is of a different religion and Christianity to him was this western religion that was highly overrated!

A week into my return my frustrations grew... I vowed to go back abroad but every attempt failed miserably!

God came into my life just when everything else in my life seemed completely worthless and useless... I had come back home a nobody... I felt like a complete loser, in fact I was one! Then one day I was checking my emails at an aquaintance's office - a known committed Christian. He asked me what was wrong and I just broke to pieces. I sobbed uncontrolably and poured my heart out - and it was only at that low, low point when I had tasted the good, the bad and the ugly that Jesus sent me a disciple to tell me that I was a jewel in His courts! On that day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour - my life had changed forever!

The 30's are here - needless to say the Doctor was not pleased by this and became more fanatical about his own religion. I remember one time when he was home on holiday we went to a temple in this highly religous part of the country and I couldn't make myself to even walk into the front gates. I stayed back in the car, much to his disappointment. On this issue I knew I couldnt compromise... Jesus had given me the joy of His strength. He gave me purpose, He gave me Hope through His prophesies, He wiped away my sins and said that He would no longer remember them - just read the Bible its right their in His gospel. I have a bond with the Lord - which even the Good Doctor could not break...

Then the eye opener happened - on a visit to meet the Doctor one Spring - I realized rather blatantly that he was cheating on me! My heart sank - but then I realised that it was God's way of revealing his true identity to me and making me realise that he was not the one God had chosen for me. When I got home I was wrapped up in so much anger and unforgiving that it consumed me! But then God's counsel began to work in me and I was told that I need to forgive just as God forgave me.. So I did.

We got back together - and I got settled in a really lovely job at home with fantastic people doing rehabilitation work for the destitute. It was one of my most humbling experiences. the first few months with Jesus were so great - I clung unto him so tightly and felt His presence and protection in my life so strong. It was Jesus who keeps my enemies at bay and hearing and learning His Word is food to my soul. Before I got baptised I remember telling a fellow brother in Christ that I am expecting so much to come out of this new walk and in my mind what I wanted was the Doctor to know the Lord as I do... But my plans are not always God's plans.

On my 30th birthday - the Word from the Lord was 'What you want is not what I want for you'. It was the saddest words I had heard... I knew that the Doctor was not 'the one'. True enough less than a month later he broke up with me. i thank God for His graciousness - no longer did I have to compromise my faith, I was no longer 'unequally yoked' and I was all His now! I actually felt relief and freedom from a strange kind of bondage.

It was then that God showered me with his torrents of blessing - in one month i got a 100% raise in my salary, i was promoted, I got a car and a new mobile phone! It was all God's provision and all I could do was glorify His name..

Today - I'm single and will wait for God to send me somone of His choosing (its pretty much affirmed that my judgement counts for nothing less than disaster!)and I still have my heart set on going abroad. Although, my prayer has been that Jesus does for me as He seems fit to do. Little by little I have been stripped bare of my old self and been adorned with the cloak of Jesus. My family rebukes me for the decision I have made. They are orthodox and feel that clapping, dancing and speaking in tongues in blasphemous to God, even though the bible preaches otherwise. I have since left home.

Jesus has taken me through various testings so that my faith and sole dependency on Him is built and fortified. I now cannot live without speaking to Him, Hearing from Him, singing to Him and learning more about Him. Jesus has placed me in a lovely home and an even lovelier church which is Spirit moved and Spirit filled

The Lord has also opened a window for me to go back abroad - my only prayer is that I will follow His commands and that He will be with me wherever He sends me. I stick to His promises; 'I will never leave you nor forsake you', 'I will never give you more than you can bear', 'My yoke is easy and My burden is light', 'if you will honour Me then I will honour you' and 'all things work good for those that love the Lord'. The list goes on and on, for God's love passes all understanding.

Jesus is the banner over my life - He is just waiting with His arms wide open for you to say 'Hello'. Just pray or speak to Him and He will design a path for you to bring you to His glorious salvation. We have to realise that we all need God - at some point or another - we have acknowledge that He is real, He is there, He's Word is true and will come to pass. Make a positive investment in your life - Invest some time in Jesus

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Earthly Fear to Godly Fear

2007-06-22T06:47:54+02:00

So this is how it all began...

Aged 17 - I lost my Dad, who died suddenly. I was devastated... I'm not even going to get into the myriad of crazy thoughts that flew around in my head cos it just hurts...

That was my first reality check from God. That was 15 years ago... God's work had pretty much started with a bang

Aged 21 - I should have known that good things never last for long - I know that now - it was a test, a shaping of my character - one that I failed pathetically...

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Complete?

2007-06-22T05:04:30+02:00

Hey everyone,

this is my first posting as a blogger - never done this before and its kinda wierd cos posting stuff on the internet is just not me! But the way I figure is that if I want to pronounce to the world who I am from what I was - it would be one way of testifying and witnessing about my faith in God and what He has done to make me what I am today.

If you stumble across this site by accident and think I'm some kind of a sad Jesus-freak...well you aren't too far from the truth. I AM a 'Jesus Freak' but my no means am I sad!

The thing is people, I am just like you - love fun, love partying, love friends, etc. The difference is though that I have God given discernment that doesnt make me better than you in anyway but it makes me more conscious about who and what I stand for. Its like having a constant mirror into your soul

What I'm encouraging you to do is to read my testimony and I hope in some way you will be moved to seek your own heart and then realize that there truly IS a GOD that is willing to give it all to you. You might think 'I'm doing just fine now, I dont need this Christian fanatism!', or the classic, 'I dont need God I can do this on my own, I'm strong enough!' - been there, done that - doesnt work!

You might feel very complete - and if you are I salute you. Is your completeness fragile?? - If you have doubts - lets try to get through them together with Jesus. My walk began only 2 years ago, and I'm learning everyday. Complete? Me?... yeah i think so... I know so... I have Jesus... He completes me. And He can Complete you too!

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