If God had a wallet your picture would be in it!

Looking back the number of relationships I've been in is countless; each time i was searching for that one thing - true, unconditional love. Fact is I didnt quite know myself what true love entailed all I knew is that I wanted it!

Crazy as it was - and not surprising as it turned out - I was sourly disappointed. I'm not afraid to say that my 'got dumped' box far exceeds by 'dumped' box... If there is one thing I hold true at this point is that I am the dumbest thing walking when it comes to choosing the right guy!

It hasnt been all bad - there were some pretty good souls, and one very good one. Unfortunately the issue of wrong place, wrong time came up and oh well... thats that!

The reason I'm somewhat chirpy about my lack of discernment for men is because I know that its not my decision anymore! And I've found my lack of love in Jesus - today my world seemed actually brighter, my face softer and my spirits souring. today I could tell myself that nothing was going to bring me down and say it confidently knowing that Jesus was right there to make sure nothing happened! All this was a result of a transformation Jesus was doing not just in my life but in the lives of my fellow brothers and sisters in church.

This Sunday in church is what I like call 'Repentance Sunday'. We have been having a tough month as a church. The Lord was really chastening us about sin and lack of commitment and arrogance in our hearts. We were as a church and as individuals pretty caught up in our 'earthly world' and put our 'spiritual world' second! Week in week out, we faced constant rebuke, and from a church that used to hear from the Lord everytime we met - we became routine, and mundane and the presence of the Lord was harldy felt...

Since this turn around it has taken my tiny, but oh so precious church weeks to sort out its heart. As a token of physical faith and repentance we had to jot down every single sin on paper for this Sunday. I took out one blank sheet of paper thinking it would suffice, only to find that i needed 10 more! And yes I used both sides of the sheet. Each one of us were compelled to get in tune with Jesus - if there was one thing we wanted as a church it was to get right with the Lord. So as a community and as individuals we wrote down every thing from so called minute sins to the really big ones... How amazing it is that we are so very flawed.

The run up to this Sunday was simply amazing also. Some of us had heard from the Lord including me - really positive scriptures about the reward for those that repented and warnings also to not return to sin and even more amazing; scriptures about the calling of the church itself! Jesus gave our little congregation the sweetest word -that He likes to dwell with us and visit us in His dwelling place!

Come Sunday morning there we were with our sheets of paper waiting to symbolically burn them - during worship, which was so uplifting - i heard a distinct command, which i have never heard before; I was led in the middle of worship to turn my bible to Luke 15:21. I thought it was another rebuke because it was about the prodigal son confessing that he is not worthy of his father's love. Then I read on till verse 24 where the son decided to go back home to his father and the father hearing of this ran out in joy to meet him half way! I shared that word with the church and my heart lept for joy because I knew that Jesus had accepted my call of repentence and forgiven me. Suddenly I felt a rush of love that I had felt only when I received water baptism a year ago. I also realised how far away I had fallen from the Lord and His Presence.

My joy was only going to get better when later on my pastor told me that God is going to use me to build His church. I feel so honoured and blest - for as was told to me a few days earlier, my first job on this world is to do God's will and secondly to do the will of whatever else... I was worried cos I didnt know what God wanted me to do - now I know that I just have to be led...

My overwhelming feeling was a rush of pure, unadulterated love; wave upon wave of the love of God... I've been on a high ever since and want to cling tightly to it cos it feels so very good.

I know that I am finally at a place where the Lord can work in me and through me and I know that this is the good future which was prophesied over me some weeks ago... Isnt it great to know that great things lie ahead of you?

I know that God's grace is sufficient for me and that I will be able to 'go boldly before His throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need' (Hebrews 4:16). This was the word chosen for me in the beginning of this year.

How vast and great is God's plan for us when all He wants of us is to love Him with all our heart and with all our soul... Alleluia!

Its been a trying couple of weeks for me. Which is why I've been away from talking to you. I needed to get back into perspective again; you see I had lost my first love and even though I didnt realise it; I had let is go for too long. So retracing my steps and finding my starting block has proven to be difficult..

I have not got there yet and I'm still being led but God knows I feel a lot better than the loss I felt 2 weeks ago.

God said one thing to us that should be a banner to our souls; 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'(Matt 11:30)

Life is difficult we know that, the rat race alone could kill you! There was one week just before my serious rebuke from the Lord came that I confessed that Satan had robbed all my time that week... I had no idea how desperately out of God's realm I was! How easy it is to think that alls well with the Lord and you. Its easy to go on thinking that He is always there and He will provide and protect and guide. But the fact remains that God needs you and me as much as we need Him and we hardly reciprocate our emotions to the depths and the heights that He does with us!

Luke 14:26 says that if we love our parents, brethren, children then we cannot be the disciples of Jesus. Thats a pretty astounding statement from the God of Love. But you see God is deeper than that; He requires undivided love and attention. He is after all the God of Love, shouldnt He deserve it? Does this mean then that we hate the people we are to love? No, not at all. Just look at the scriptures -Jesus said to His disciples (us) 'love one another as i have loved you' (John 13:34), (Romans 12:10) 'Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.' and finally; 'let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.' (1 John 4:7).

So what then does God want us to do? Lets go back to the Bible. In Genesis 22, Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his son Isaac. Think about it - would you sacrfice your own flesh and blood for Jesus, for anyone? To actually kill your child? But that was the extent of faith and love that God commanded of Abraham; the father of the nations, which he, in faith, proceeded to do and at the last moment God stopped him. It may seem rather appalling for many but to me its a magnificent test of faith and love for God. Its a clear example that God requires ALL our love and to not put anything above Him or in line with Him.

Then you might ask; 'Is God too demanding? Does He have the right to tell us how to love our families? Isnt jealousy a bad thing?'. All these questions are valid, but; and forgive me from quoting the bible but its the only way to ensure clarity; God says in Deuteronomy 6:1-5 that we are to love the Lord our God as these are the commands, decrees and laws that He has directed that we learn. the passage concludes that we must love the Lord with 'all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength'. Now go back to Matthew 11:30 which is stated above; 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'. Hey this is meant to be easy for us people! If only we are obedient to God and put Him above all other things. Is this fair? Absolutely! Who actually did die for all of us? Jesus did. God's only begotten Son, sent down to earth to live as man and suffer death on the cross for us, so that we may live! God the Father had to make that decision that Jesus His Son face suffering, rebuke, persecution, judgement, and a horrific death just to save the lives of you and me. Jesus, the Son took up His cross for our sins even though He is sinless and innocent. Do we then still have the audacity to ignore the Lord and downplay His majesty and make Him 2nd best or nothing at all in our lives?

Our God is a jealous God which is why He commanded that we worship no other gods but He. Other gods can be just about anything or anyone that we set above God in our lives... This is where I had gone wrong. I had out myself above God.

But God is merciful and full of compassion. Several weeks ago the Lord spoke to me thru the word in 1 Samuel 12:14; 'If you fear the LORD and serve and obey him and do not rebel against his commands, and if both you and the king who reigns over you follow the LORD your God-good!' This was what I had to do to make all things right. I have started to meditate on the word and by the advice od my beloved pastor to all the Church was to right out our sins and come with them on Sunday so that we simply confess them repent for it and burn them! A renewal of sorts but this time straight from the heart!

This weekend was an awakening for me. Thinking that I was doing fine with my relationship with God only to feel like a complete Homer Simpson when I found out how much I had broken the Lord's heart...

There was something I had not totally given up to Him there was something that as usual I thought I could handle. I didnt want to burden the Lord, it didnt matter that He is omniscient and omnipresent and simply wants to carry all our burdens for us, big or small! I carried and harboured this burden for months and it ate me up because I knew it was the one thing blocking God's glory from entering my life. I realize now that even though i could feel the presence of God when i worshipped it still wasnt complete; there was more that He so wanted to give if I had only done the same.

I have prayed about it but not completely in faith and that was wrong... I knew that going public with my 'issue' would only mean hurting the people I love the most - so again I got back to being the great protector!

Yesterday, we were given a rude but much needed awakening! We had as a congregation got complacent with the Lord. Not one of us were blameless. I, yes I, was and probably still is a hypocrite without loyalty to God or the Church! A hard one to swallow but true nonetheless. It proved to me that i dont dig deep enough into the roots of my own heart and dredge up the crap thats at the bottom, the stuff that clogs up God's way in my life. I realised that I was selfish, stubborn and damn self centered and that was a horrible feeling. I later realised in the day through God's intervention that my 'private issue' became a 'public one'! You know what? My prayers were answered and God had realised that He had to intervene without me pandering along!

It was a blow out but a much needed one - one that had to be sorted out among people, people that i love dearly. I know now that God has restored my soul from the sin of silence and that block in my life has been removed! yet again He has proved that he is the Author of Life and I am glad that God took control just when i was going to give up on being a Christian! yes, I was really going to do that. I thought to myself 'I'm not cut out for this'. How wonderful my Jesus is who thought 'no she is precious enough to save', even though i feel like the scum of the earth! When this happened I learned that there was one thing that is said in the Bible - 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'... The more I harboured this burden the heavier it got; but today I am as free as an eagle! In the Bible Jesus also says; 'go and sin no more' - I have been given that choice and I know that my walk with Jesus has to be closer than what it was. I am truly nothing without Him!

There are going to be some good changes in my life - I'm a hard shell to crack but I know that even though I may give up on God sometimes He will never give up on me. How wonderful to know that in everything in life there's always a way, whether its from the very jaws of death - with Jesus there is always, always an answer, all you have to do is truthfully - and I emphasise; truthfully say 'Jesus, I have sinned, and I have shamed You, I am sorry with all my heart, dont turn away from me Lord, cos I need you to get me thru this, I need you. Take me; Hear I am'. Jesus sees straight into the heart of man and if He sees genuine repentance He is there with His arms wide open!

I have trusted Him before - I just need to keep on trusting Him and be more vigilent that I dont hurt the closest thing to my heart and try to mend the broken threads with prayer and heartfelt repentence...

Please seek Jesus today - He is all that you will ever need, and thats a promise!