If God had a wallet your picture would be in it!

Unfortunately, getting stressed for me is a pastime! I know that a lot of you might think its a 'female' tendency but whether it is or not I have it and I dont like it!

Yesterday a colleague of mine who recently left the organisation said that we might close down very soon. BOOM!!!! That was it - the stress wheels got straight into action, emitting all sorts of scary possibilities - one thought that flew across my mind was that I would be plunged into abject financial doom till forever!

I immediately got on the internet and started to scout job sites and got my self into a ridiculous whirl! I thought listening to music would calm me down - but all I could think of was not being able to pay off the lease on my car and having to move back to my mother's house!

With logical thinking completely out the window I decided to go for a good hour of kick boxing. With what I thought were my frustrations completely kicked out with a vengeance I actually felt better. Only to find that I had an incredibly restless nights sleep.

Whoever said things are always better the next morning; was actually right! As a practice - I have to begin my day with God and whilst reading today's bible verse God reminded me of the time Jesus was on a fishing boat on the sea of Gallilee when harsh winds started to rock the boat which was getting filled with water. Panic stricken fishermen quickly awoke Jesus who simply held out His hand over the water and asked it to calm down... As simple as that...

With Jesus every storm is a storm in a tea cup - left up to me its a virtual tidal wave! After Jesus had calmed the seas He asked the fishermen if they had any faith at all; they were stunned amazed that a mere man could even control the seas. Left alone we cant, but in Jesus' Name we can. I transferred this scenario into my situation and felt like a complete heel! I had to go back to my confessions of faith to realise who and what God is it to me. I had to repent and ask for renewed blessings this morning - How blessed am I to sit on the lap of my Father in heaven and pour out all my worries to Him and know that He will make me ok again.

Faith is knowing that with Jesus no matter what the situation is He only has your best interests at heart - and He is faithful...

Today's Bible reading has a very, very interesting and hopeful phrase. Its taken from Psalm 55:22, which says, 'God will never let the righteous fall down'

Now it also raises the question of 'am I righteous?'. Today is my mother's brithday, our relationship has always been strained and its one that causes me to fall away from God which ever way I choose to go. If I stay we argue, if I leave her we don't talk at all! The latter being a far better option at the moment and so I have been living on my own for nearly a year now.

I know that the bible says we should honour our father's and mother's, scripture further outlines that parents are given God-like importance and we as children are to obey them as we obey God. What happens then if our parents are not walking in a God-like manner and we seemingly are?? I'm not saying that my mother is un-Godly neither am I calling myself worthy of being totally righteous, but where then do I find a spritual balance between the precepts of God and the limitations of the flesh? So I went back to the bible. There are a ton of passages about obedience and the importance of taking heed of the counsel of parents. My issue lies herein; I'm a committed Christian, which to my mother is just a half baked, 'charismatic' form of worship that is simply unaccceptable; to her its a form of a cult! She is a Bhuddist convert and now an orthodox Anglican. My family are the 'pillars' of the local Anglican church. I was also part of this 'religious' upbringing - the difference to me now is that my 'upbringing' is spiritual and God-led. I'm judged by the way of my heart and not simply by my works.

Try as I might to convince her otherwise it just caused division in an already so called 'Christian' household. It was then that I read a bible verse in the New Testament that my choice to follow Jesus would cause division between brothers and sisters, parents and child; where belief in God is simply religious and not spriritual. The bible further said that i will come under heavy persecution and slander - all of which I did and probably still do from within my family...

Trying to deal with my inner hurts, frustrations and anger about this situation has had a baring on my spirituality and my ability to call myself righteous before God. The fact that my family was not an affectionate one does not help the way I feel toward them. Its been tough trying to forgive...

I do know one thing though, my mother does pray, and I know that somewhere in those prayers out of hurt, anger or is just through pure maternal duty, she still prays for me. And I need to resolve that that is all I need from her. The rest is up to me. I had resolved a while ago that I wasnt going to let anyone or anything come between Jesus and me, and even if it killed me I would choose to do the right thing by God. It doesnt always work; and often you choose the low road instead of the high one. Its times like this that you ask yourself the question 'What would Jesus do?'

Didnt Jesus leave His earthly parents, Mary & Joseph, and follow the instructions of His Father in Heaven? Didnt His earthly parents understand that Jesus had a chosen way to Walk? They did. They accepted it, they even accepted the fact that He would have to die to save mankind. The Mary and Joseph of the bible are real, not fairytale actors and are part of the life of Christ and are no different from parents of today, accept that maybe they were more in tune with God than we are.

My goal is to walk in righteousness as Jesus walked on earth. Do I accept blame for my mother's hurt? Yes, I do. Am I righteous? Yes, because I love Jesus, and the laws He has set before me, and I perceive in my heart to please Him; and I embrace my cross and will rejoice in my trials and persecutions because the Lord said 'I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler.'

This does not make me sinless or blameless cos God's Work is in progress in my life but it does make me hopeful, that I will reign in righteousness ordained by God one day, for His Word further says that 'The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.'

'Praise God, for His mercy endures forever'

Isn't it amazing how when it comes to your physical appearance people become like mirrors with opinions!!

All my life I've been either 'too fat' or 'too thin' mostly 'too fat'. The most blatant comment I ever got was 'Oh my God, you are so huge, arent you doing anything about it?!', this from a guy that probably had a 38 inch waist!!!!

I've realized that people notice the slightest changes, it beats me how well tuned their powers of observation are. I've become accustomed to 'you've put on weight', 'gosh if you fall dont expect us to carry you', even people I barely know have something to say about the way I look and its not always complimentary!

There was a time when it mattered and I lost 20 kilos drastically and it made me close to being anorexic! What dawned on me later on is that words are like sharp swords that pierce right into the heart... thats really sad... Its hurtful and cruel and can do serious damage to someone

Thankfully - I have ceased to care what people think and say. What amazes me is that the ones who comment on the way I look have pretty serious physical flaws which I wouldnt dare to point out - its just not me to do that

I also realised that I am not stereotypical and I dont ever want to be like everyone else. Life would be way too boring that way; being different makes me unique and if I want to be fat or thin its up to me.

Personally - I like what I see and as long as I dont scream in fear when I look at myself in the mirror - this is the way I'm going to stay.

God may have asked us to look after the bodies He gave us, but He never said we should idolise or worship them...

Its been one of those weekends - your nerves are as raw as sushi and if anyone dare to even breathe in your direction you'll probably burn them to a cinder with just one look!!!

I guess it started on Thursday. I consider myself to be a good, safe, stable driver... much to general opinion in my home country where female drivers are just pittiful and should know their place which is in the kitchen! Well I'm not one to get bullied on the road or get vexed or intimidated by 'bullish' drivers. This current position of mine came after several years of yelling obsecenities at drivers, driving like maniac to prove a point to someone and thus getting to work with a headache that if continued would have caused a brain tumor! I finally realized that there are some races you just cannot win and that no matter how angry you get its only affecting your level or stress and not anyone else's. So I calmed down - nowadays I just try, try, and try to bless those that curse me and pray for those that try to run me off the road; I have to say that one of God's toughest tests to pass as a believer is the one of driving in Sri Lanka! Keeping it cool does not come easy!! Believe me!

So there I was Thursday evening, making my perilous journey back home when a three-wheeler barges into my lane and stops to drop off his passenger without so much as a signal.. temperature gauge up 2 notches. Then a man on a motorbike decides he wants to go across my car to the other side of the road... again no warning, no signal, temperature up about 4 notches. Then there's the usual busses that run their service not for the ease and comfort of their passengers but simply to get ahead of the bus in front of them at any, I repeat, at any cost!
Its no wonder that busses in these parts have gruesome dents on all 4 sides of them and unfortunately fatalities are common, very, very common!! That was it for me! Boiling Point had arrived. From then on, all the roads heard that day was the blaring sound of my horn!!!

I got home that day angry, frustrated and like a bat out of hell! I was angry for biting the 'scandalon' and falling into the fray with Satan's gang of thugs!!

Friday was no better. I told a friend of mine that if you can drive here then you can pretty much handle the war zones of Baghdad and dodge bullets and missiles with relative ease! Aggression and rudeness seem to be the norm in driving here. My pastor puts it best, 'Galle Road (the main highway)', she says, 'is ruled by Satan', I couldnt agree with her more!

I reckon that chaos reigns where arrogant minds play... people are just blinded by their own arrogance and pride to bother to think about someone elses right to be on the road. But what then does that mean to me?? Do I become as arrogant as they are? Do I become a bully? A road hog? A thug? I think not... there are some things that are just too precious to me; the gift of compassion, patience and above all Godly fear; I do faulter on the patience bit alot though, I have to confess
Its dawned on me since that God is in control of me and from now on if I need to lose it on the road all I need to do is to expend that energy of rage by trying to praise God who knows and sees all things and will come through for me. To help me on my way and keep me focussed I have a worship CD which through gritted teeth I sing to and people - this works! and its amazing how the Lord in His Heavenly Humour turns the joke right back on the joker!

For those with road rage - keep the faith, look to God, His just a song away!

So this is how it all began...

Aged 17 - I lost my Dad, who died suddenly. I was devastated... I'm not even going to get into the myriad of crazy thoughts that flew around in my head cos it just hurts...

That was my first reality check from God. That was 15 years ago... God's work had pretty much started with a bang

We were always a 'religious' family, church in Sunday was a formality, I even joined the church choir. Life was easy for a while. I got into a stable relationship with a guy I have known since my childhood, he was accepted into the family and I was studying well and looking good and life was just the best it ever was!

Aged 21 - I should have known that good things never last for long - I know that now - it was a test, a shaping of my character - one that I failed pathetically...

My relationship with Mr. Stability ended out of what feel was pure gossip which we fell victim to and I then 'fell in love' with someone else.. someone that was pretty much the devil himself!In time, the abuse started and I was wrapped up in a world that turned ugly. I became a completely used piece of flesh. Controlled in every way, from what to eat to what to wear... You might think why I let it happen. The fact is that he knew I feared him... he would go to bizarre lengths to deface me and he did. I had to protect not just myself but my family who didnt deserve to go through the shame that he put me through. I tried to hide it all I could until one day I came home with a black eye and warning signs came up all over the place...

Its also amazing how you can have hell fires brewing inside you and chaos abounding in your life and you still have the ability to look like everything is fine. I recall someone telling me they wish they had my life - I nearly choked myself to death with hysterical laughter! I dont think I have cried so much in my life. And it was all my doing - for the first time the only person I could blame was myself. That was a hard pill to swallow.

The repurcussions of this 'relationship' were tremendous. My reputation went down the drain, in a small community, I became branded as a high class whore. My friends (particularly the male ones) were threatened by thugs, my feeble attempts of finding comfort with other male friends turned disastrous as they either just wanted to go to bed with me or they were just plain scared to even talk to me. One even left the country! Nobody gave me the benefit of the doubt. I dont blame them - I started blanking friends out to protect them. no one understood the level of abuse I was going through - I couldn't even tell them. Only 3 friends stuck with me right through - to this day I am so grateful to them.

This saga took away 6 years of my life - my 20's gone to the dogs... I watched as friends got married, had kids, went abroad and made something good out of their lives - whilst I got left behind in my own little hell on earth... Self pity??? You bet I had all of it! I even wrote to an evangelist on the internet asking for prayer and when he wrote back he said that I needed to acknowledge my sin. I had to admit that I had done wrong... I went into this relationship with my eyes wide open; knowing that I would be doomed from the very beginning. I went through things I never thought I had to go through and horrors that I never thought I would have to face. My Mom has no clue of the details - it would kill her if she knew.

God, however is always merciful. From that moment on I felt His strength, or at least 'a' strength. He gave me a spirit of boldness that I never thought possible. One day I just snapped and thought 'Right! Enough is enough!'. I came to my family and confessed all and with their backing started fighting fire with fire... I remember a time trying to speed away from him in a tiny car and decided that the only way out was to make a hazardous move to overtake a 40 foot container lorry. So I did only to find that there was yet another container coming towards me... I kept my hands on the wheel and closed my eyes... I dont know what happened but I made it... Even when I didnt know Jesus the way I know Him now; He saved me from torture or even death..

After months of threats, blackmailing, slandering and instilling abject fear in so many of my loved ones... God miraculously (cos yes it was a miracle) opened the door for me to leave the country. I had everything working against me, my age, my skills, my finances, everything; but when God has control over the situation nothing stands in His way. So I got passed to go abroad for 2 years... My last thought before I boarded the plane was 'joke's on you mate'... My ghost from the past was finally dead...

late 20's - with most of my 20's wasted away I tried to salvage whatever I had left. I remember walking around on my own without looking over my shoulder was so liberating, also not jumping out of my skin when the phone rang was so, so welcome! I got a job I earned well and I made great friends... Then the good Doctor walked into my life... You must understand that as much as I knew God I didnt embrace Him, we or I didnt have a relationship with Him.. so I met a guy who is a Doctor, who I thought was the stability I needed for life. It was nice having someone around as a companion and as much as we didnt see eye to eye on a lot of things I was attracted to his level of decency and honesty. He was, and I believe still is a lovely guy with a gracious heart...

The 30's are about to begin - On the threshold of turning 30 I had to return home... I left kicking and screaming! I hated to come back home and the good doctor hated that fact too! My sister, who I love and adore is a born again Christian - he's parting words to me was 'dont get involved in that church!'. He is of a different religion and Christianity to him was this western religion that was highly overrated!

A week into my return my frustrations grew... I vowed to go back abroad but every attempt failed miserably!

God came into my life just when everything else in my life seemed completely worthless and useless... I had come back home a nobody... I felt like a complete loser, in fact I was one! Then one day I was checking my emails at an aquaintance's office - a known committed Christian. He asked me what was wrong and I just broke to pieces. I sobbed uncontrolably and poured my heart out - and it was only at that low, low point when I had tasted the good, the bad and the ugly that Jesus sent me a disciple to tell me that I was a jewel in His courts! On that day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour - my life had changed forever!

The 30's are here - needless to say the Doctor was not pleased by this and became more fanatical about his own religion. I remember one time when he was home on holiday we went to a temple in this highly religous part of the country and I couldn't make myself to even walk into the front gates. I stayed back in the car, much to his disappointment. On this issue I knew I couldnt compromise... Jesus had given me the joy of His strength. He gave me purpose, He gave me Hope through His prophesies, He wiped away my sins and said that He would no longer remember them - just read the Bible its right their in His gospel. I have a bond with the Lord - which even the Good Doctor could not break...

Then the eye opener happened - on a visit to meet the Doctor one Spring - I realized rather blatantly that he was cheating on me! My heart sank - but then I realised that it was God's way of revealing his true identity to me and making me realise that he was not the one God had chosen for me. When I got home I was wrapped up in so much anger and unforgiving that it consumed me! But then God's counsel began to work in me and I was told that I need to forgive just as God forgave me.. So I did.

We got back together - and I got settled in a really lovely job at home with fantastic people doing rehabilitation work for the destitute. It was one of my most humbling experiences. the first few months with Jesus were so great - I clung unto him so tightly and felt His presence and protection in my life so strong. It was Jesus who keeps my enemies at bay and hearing and learning His Word is food to my soul. Before I got baptised I remember telling a fellow brother in Christ that I am expecting so much to come out of this new walk and in my mind what I wanted was the Doctor to know the Lord as I do... But my plans are not always God's plans.

On my 30th birthday - the Word from the Lord was 'What you want is not what I want for you'. It was the saddest words I had heard... I knew that the Doctor was not 'the one'. True enough less than a month later he broke up with me. i thank God for His graciousness - no longer did I have to compromise my faith, I was no longer 'unequally yoked' and I was all His now! I actually felt relief and freedom from a strange kind of bondage.

It was then that God showered me with his torrents of blessing - in one month i got a 100% raise in my salary, i was promoted, I got a car and a new mobile phone! It was all God's provision and all I could do was glorify His name..

Today - I'm single and will wait for God to send me somone of His choosing (its pretty much affirmed that my judgement counts for nothing less than disaster!)and I still have my heart set on going abroad. Although, my prayer has been that Jesus does for me as He seems fit to do. Little by little I have been stripped bare of my old self and been adorned with the cloak of Jesus. My family rebukes me for the decision I have made. They are orthodox and feel that clapping, dancing and speaking in tongues in blasphemous to God, even though the bible preaches otherwise. I have since left home.

Jesus has taken me through various testings so that my faith and sole dependency on Him is built and fortified. I now cannot live without speaking to Him, Hearing from Him, singing to Him and learning more about Him. Jesus has placed me in a lovely home and an even lovelier church which is Spirit moved and Spirit filled

The Lord has also opened a window for me to go back abroad - my only prayer is that I will follow His commands and that He will be with me wherever He sends me. I stick to His promises; 'I will never leave you nor forsake you', 'I will never give you more than you can bear', 'My yoke is easy and My burden is light', 'if you will honour Me then I will honour you' and 'all things work good for those that love the Lord'. The list goes on and on, for God's love passes all understanding.

Jesus is the banner over my life - He is just waiting with His arms wide open for you to say 'Hello'. Just pray or speak to Him and He will design a path for you to bring you to His glorious salvation. We have to realise that we all need God - at some point or another - we have acknowledge that He is real, He is there, He's Word is true and will come to pass. Make a positive investment in your life - Invest some time in Jesus

So this is how it all began...

Aged 17 - I lost my Dad, who died suddenly. I was devastated... I'm not even going to get into the myriad of crazy thoughts that flew around in my head cos it just hurts...

That was my first reality check from God. That was 15 years ago... God's work had pretty much started with a bang

We were always a 'religious' family, church in Sunday was a formality, I even joined the church choir. Life was easy for a while. I got into a stable relationship with a guy I have known since my childhood, he was accepted into the family and I was studying well and looking good and life was just the best it ever was!

Aged 21 - I should have known that good things never last for long - I know that now - it was a test, a shaping of my character - one that I failed pathetically...

My relationship with Mr. Stability ended out of what feel was pure gossip which we fell victim to and I then 'fell in love' with someone else.. someone that was pretty much the devil himself!In time, the abuse started and I was wrapped up in a world that turned ugly. I became a completely used piece of flesh. Controlled in every way, from what to eat%2

Hey everyone,

this is my first posting as a blogger - never done this before and its kinda wierd cos posting stuff on the internet is just not me! But the way I figure is that if I want to pronounce to the world who I am from what I was - it would be one way of testifying and witnessing about my faith in God and what He has done to make me what I am today.

If you stumble across this site by accident and think I'm some kind of a sad Jesus-freak...well you aren't too far from the truth. I AM a 'Jesus Freak' but my no means am I sad!

The thing is people, I am just like you - love fun, love partying, love friends, etc. The difference is though that I have God given discernment that doesnt make me better than you in anyway but it makes me more conscious about who and what I stand for. Its like having a constant mirror into your soul

What I'm encouraging you to do is to read my testimony and I hope in some way you will be moved to seek your own heart and then realize that there truly IS a GOD that is willing to give it all to you. You might think 'I'm doing just fine now, I dont need this Christian fanatism!', or the classic, 'I dont need God I can do this on my own, I'm strong enough!' - been there, done that - doesnt work!

You might feel very complete - and if you are I salute you. Is your completeness fragile?? - If you have doubts - lets try to get through them together with Jesus. My walk began only 2 years ago, and I'm learning everyday. Complete? Me?... yeah i think so... I know so... I have Jesus... He completes me. And He can Complete you too!