So all ye wise... tell me how do we know we've fallen in love? I seem to have got rather put off by the whole 'oh you just know' answer so can I have the analytical minds out there pander to my analytical self and give me some food for thought?!

yes, I've been battling within myself again - only this one I think I even have God wanting to give me one good cane shot! Thing is, its the proverbial issue; girl likes boy, boy does not know that girl likes boy and girl does not want to tell that she likes him, so girl gets all coy and old fashioned and not mention a little pre-occupied by the whole scenario which to boy doesnt even exist!!!

Its all quite maddening really... this game of love as long as it remains a game cannot be won fairly! I am in that predicament of 'liking' someone who is too much like me... Someone who will not make the first move for fear of bungling the whole darn thing up! I also have staked my place as the mouse and do not want to be the aggressive cat - I want to be a traditionalist in this matter - I believe that there are some things that are just better that way

I might add that the 'boy' is one that has hit my radar before but only now seems to be flagging off all the right signals... and somehow, my beacon does not seem to attract his!!!!!!!!! Saying that though, apart from a shy meeting nothing else has been done.

oh well... thats me venting....

So God threw me another challenge! I have changed jobs, changed my outlook on friends, changed the way I live (not forgetting; where I live), changed my attitude to family, and changed the way I look at my life... Phew!!! All this in a matter of months!

I knew that '08 was going to be one of those change years and here I am on the threshold of the first quarter with a totally recharged, rehashed life-makeover!What's amazing is that I got it for free

It hasnt been easy... no pain no gain... remember? Anyways, life took me through a series of incidents, good and bad and some even frightful to get to the state that I'm in today. I'm not saying that I completely enjoy the new me and the new life but I know one thing and that's that I am really not alone in my exciting journey... have you ever just so totally trusted someone to the point that you could fall back just knowing that there's someone there to catch you? Well that's what I did - fell back, eyes closed, smile on my face in complete abandonement to God. So there began my life of total and absolute dependence.

Like I said there were scary moments when I even thought my life was threatened but then nothing ever happened; and that my friends, is my Lord... There were times when I thought I would just quit my job and then miraculously after a sorrowful sob and a quick heart wrenching prayer, things would be ok... how my mother would put me into emotional blackmail.. and then I'd get frustrated and angry and then just pray for her... she would change overnight...and today I realised that I might be entering into a whole new phase in my life (which I wont tell you just yet)

People be amazed at how God works in you - its a worthwhile 'experiment' and one with no side effects or sudden explotions! Total submission is never easy or seemingly possible but faith the size of a mustard seed is enough to move a mountain.. that I have done and wow - its the greatest feeling of liberation I have ever known!

In all that I do, in all that I have become
You were the One who made me change
You changed my heart and gave me pure hands and made me blameless before Your Throne of Grace
The gratitude I have is too much to contain, You picked me up from the gutter and gave me Your perfect rest
The world thinks I lack but in You I am rich, what will I ever be without You, my God of Peace

In turmoil and struggle You said, 'Be still', the battles I faced You fought and won them for me
In desolation and loss You comforted me,Your rewards are plenty each time I obey
In You I know no loneliness, there is no emptiness
You said You came to fulfill the Word I'm glad your plans included me,
We have walked with each other for 3 years and more, I'm hung up on you Jesus, I will never let you go

Its amazing how trying life can become, how everything around you seems like it couldn't get worse than this...
Its been one of those seasons where God is testing me for a higher purpose, and its a battle that has new battlefields and armies to fight on a daily basis. How amazing also that God teaches me what He is doing in my life whilst I battle to keep my faith and thus my sanity.
My day is incomplete without my trusty 'Daily Bread' bible reading and message. From the start of this week, God has been comming down from heaven to talk to me through this little booklet. On Monday God spoke to me about how every good gift and every perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights (James 1:12-20)- it was about God's unconditional love for me, for all of us. On Tuesday I was struck hard in the office which drove me to tears... It was then that I read Psalm 54, the Daily Bread reading for the day... In short God told me that He is 'my Helper' (v4). God knew and felt my tears as I cried out to Him for strength. Wednesday was just a myriad of mishaps - sadly its only today that I realized what God had spoken to me about the day before; James 1:2-3 says 'My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the trying of your faith worketh patience', it says further that I could seek God's wisdom by just asking for it in faith... and finally verse 8 of the same chapter says that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways... yes, I was unstable, which meant I was double-minded. Double-minded about God's love and security and promises. I doubted God by not trusting Him; not waiting on Him (Blessed is he that waits on the Lord), not believing that His grace IS sufficient for me! How awful God must feel everytime we cease to trust Him. God is constantly trying to prove His undying love for us but we never let Him... How grieved I am right now that I refused my Father of lights, and with all my heart I ask for His forgiveness and put my hand in the hand of the Lord... Our awesome God!

Looking back the number of relationships I've been in is countless; each time i was searching for that one thing - true, unconditional love. Fact is I didnt quite know myself what true love entailed all I knew is that I wanted it!

Crazy as it was - and not surprising as it turned out - I was sourly disappointed. I'm not afraid to say that my 'got dumped' box far exceeds by 'dumped' box... If there is one thing I hold true at this point is that I am the dumbest thing walking when it comes to choosing the right guy!

It hasnt been all bad - there were some pretty good souls, and one very good one. Unfortunately the issue of wrong place, wrong time came up and oh well... thats that!

The reason I'm somewhat chirpy about my lack of discernment for men is because I know that its not my decision anymore! And I've found my lack of love in Jesus - today my world seemed actually brighter, my face softer and my spirits souring. today I could tell myself that nothing was going to bring me down and say it confidently knowing that Jesus was right there to make sure nothing happened! All this was a result of a transformation Jesus was doing not just in my life but in the lives of my fellow brothers and sisters in church.

This Sunday in church is what I like call 'Repentance Sunday'. We have been having a tough month as a church. The Lord was really chastening us about sin and lack of commitment and arrogance in our hearts. We were as a church and as individuals pretty caught up in our 'earthly world' and put our 'spiritual world' second! Week in week out, we faced constant rebuke, and from a church that used to hear from the Lord everytime we met - we became routine, and mundane and the presence of the Lord was harldy felt...

Since this turn around it has taken my tiny, but oh so precious church weeks to sort out its heart. As a token of physical faith and repentance we had to jot down every single sin on paper for this Sunday. I took out one blank sheet of paper thinking it would suffice, only to find that i needed 10 more! And yes I used both sides of the sheet. Each one of us were compelled to get in tune with Jesus - if there was one thing we wanted as a church it was to get right with the Lord. So as a community and as individuals we wrote down every thing from so called minute sins to the really big ones... How amazing it is that we are so very flawed.

The run up to this Sunday was simply amazing also. Some of us had heard from the Lord including me - really positive scriptures about the reward for those that repented and warnings also to not return to sin and even more amazing; scriptures about the calling of the church itself! Jesus gave our little congregation the sweetest word -that He likes to dwell with us and visit us in His dwelling place!

Come Sunday morning there we were with our sheets of paper waiting to symbolically burn them - during worship, which was so uplifting - i heard a distinct command, which i have never heard before; I was led in the middle of worship to turn my bible to Luke 15:21. I thought it was another rebuke because it was about the prodigal son confessing that he is not worthy of his father's love. Then I read on till verse 24 where the son decided to go back home to his father and the father hearing of this ran out in joy to meet him half way! I shared that word with the church and my heart lept for joy because I knew that Jesus had accepted my call of repentence and forgiven me. Suddenly I felt a rush of love that I had felt only when I received water baptism a year ago. I also realised how far away I had fallen from the Lord and His Presence.

My joy was only going to get better when later on my pastor told me that God is going to use me to build His church. I feel so honoured and blest - for as was told to me a few days earlier, my first job on this world is to do God's will and secondly to do the will of whatever else... I was worried cos I didnt know what God wanted me to do - now I know that I just have to be led...

My overwhelming feeling was a rush of pure, unadulterated love; wave upon wave of the love of God... I've been on a high ever since and want to cling tightly to it cos it feels so very good.

I know that I am finally at a place where the Lord can work in me and through me and I know that this is the good future which was prophesied over me some weeks ago... Isnt it great to know that great things lie ahead of you?

I know that God's grace is sufficient for me and that I will be able to 'go boldly before His throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need' (Hebrews 4:16). This was the word chosen for me in the beginning of this year.

How vast and great is God's plan for us when all He wants of us is to love Him with all our heart and with all our soul... Alleluia!

Its been a trying couple of weeks for me. Which is why I've been away from talking to you. I needed to get back into perspective again; you see I had lost my first love and even though I didnt realise it; I had let is go for too long. So retracing my steps and finding my starting block has proven to be difficult..

I have not got there yet and I'm still being led but God knows I feel a lot better than the loss I felt 2 weeks ago.

God said one thing to us that should be a banner to our souls; 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'(Matt 11:30)

Life is difficult we know that, the rat race alone could kill you! There was one week just before my serious rebuke from the Lord came that I confessed that Satan had robbed all my time that week... I had no idea how desperately out of God's realm I was! How easy it is to think that alls well with the Lord and you. Its easy to go on thinking that He is always there and He will provide and protect and guide. But the fact remains that God needs you and me as much as we need Him and we hardly reciprocate our emotions to the depths and the heights that He does with us!

Luke 14:26 says that if we love our parents, brethren, children then we cannot be the disciples of Jesus. Thats a pretty astounding statement from the God of Love. But you see God is deeper than that; He requires undivided love and attention. He is after all the God of Love, shouldnt He deserve it? Does this mean then that we hate the people we are to love? No, not at all. Just look at the scriptures -Jesus said to His disciples (us) 'love one another as i have loved you' (John 13:34), (Romans 12:10) 'Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.' and finally; 'let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.' (1 John 4:7).

So what then does God want us to do? Lets go back to the Bible. In Genesis 22, Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his son Isaac. Think about it - would you sacrfice your own flesh and blood for Jesus, for anyone? To actually kill your child? But that was the extent of faith and love that God commanded of Abraham; the father of the nations, which he, in faith, proceeded to do and at the last moment God stopped him. It may seem rather appalling for many but to me its a magnificent test of faith and love for God. Its a clear example that God requires ALL our love and to not put anything above Him or in line with Him.

Then you might ask; 'Is God too demanding? Does He have the right to tell us how to love our families? Isnt jealousy a bad thing?'. All these questions are valid, but; and forgive me from quoting the bible but its the only way to ensure clarity; God says in Deuteronomy 6:1-5 that we are to love the Lord our God as these are the commands, decrees and laws that He has directed that we learn. the passage concludes that we must love the Lord with 'all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength'. Now go back to Matthew 11:30 which is stated above; 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'. Hey this is meant to be easy for us people! If only we are obedient to God and put Him above all other things. Is this fair? Absolutely! Who actually did die for all of us? Jesus did. God's only begotten Son, sent down to earth to live as man and suffer death on the cross for us, so that we may live! God the Father had to make that decision that Jesus His Son face suffering, rebuke, persecution, judgement, and a horrific death just to save the lives of you and me. Jesus, the Son took up His cross for our sins even though He is sinless and innocent. Do we then still have the audacity to ignore the Lord and downplay His majesty and make Him 2nd best or nothing at all in our lives?

Our God is a jealous God which is why He commanded that we worship no other gods but He. Other gods can be just about anything or anyone that we set above God in our lives... This is where I had gone wrong. I had out myself above God.

But God is merciful and full of compassion. Several weeks ago the Lord spoke to me thru the word in 1 Samuel 12:14; 'If you fear the LORD and serve and obey him and do not rebel against his commands, and if both you and the king who reigns over you follow the LORD your God-good!' This was what I had to do to make all things right. I have started to meditate on the word and by the advice od my beloved pastor to all the Church was to right out our sins and come with them on Sunday so that we simply confess them repent for it and burn them! A renewal of sorts but this time straight from the heart!

This weekend was an awakening for me. Thinking that I was doing fine with my relationship with God only to feel like a complete Homer Simpson when I found out how much I had broken the Lord's heart...

There was something I had not totally given up to Him there was something that as usual I thought I could handle. I didnt want to burden the Lord, it didnt matter that He is omniscient and omnipresent and simply wants to carry all our burdens for us, big or small! I carried and harboured this burden for months and it ate me up because I knew it was the one thing blocking God's glory from entering my life. I realize now that even though i could feel the presence of God when i worshipped it still wasnt complete; there was more that He so wanted to give if I had only done the same.

I have prayed about it but not completely in faith and that was wrong... I knew that going public with my 'issue' would only mean hurting the people I love the most - so again I got back to being the great protector!

Yesterday, we were given a rude but much needed awakening! We had as a congregation got complacent with the Lord. Not one of us were blameless. I, yes I, was and probably still is a hypocrite without loyalty to God or the Church! A hard one to swallow but true nonetheless. It proved to me that i dont dig deep enough into the roots of my own heart and dredge up the crap thats at the bottom, the stuff that clogs up God's way in my life. I realised that I was selfish, stubborn and damn self centered and that was a horrible feeling. I later realised in the day through God's intervention that my 'private issue' became a 'public one'! You know what? My prayers were answered and God had realised that He had to intervene without me pandering along!

It was a blow out but a much needed one - one that had to be sorted out among people, people that i love dearly. I know now that God has restored my soul from the sin of silence and that block in my life has been removed! yet again He has proved that he is the Author of Life and I am glad that God took control just when i was going to give up on being a Christian! yes, I was really going to do that. I thought to myself 'I'm not cut out for this'. How wonderful my Jesus is who thought 'no she is precious enough to save', even though i feel like the scum of the earth! When this happened I learned that there was one thing that is said in the Bible - 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'... The more I harboured this burden the heavier it got; but today I am as free as an eagle! In the Bible Jesus also says; 'go and sin no more' - I have been given that choice and I know that my walk with Jesus has to be closer than what it was. I am truly nothing without Him!

There are going to be some good changes in my life - I'm a hard shell to crack but I know that even though I may give up on God sometimes He will never give up on me. How wonderful to know that in everything in life there's always a way, whether its from the very jaws of death - with Jesus there is always, always an answer, all you have to do is truthfully - and I emphasise; truthfully say 'Jesus, I have sinned, and I have shamed You, I am sorry with all my heart, dont turn away from me Lord, cos I need you to get me thru this, I need you. Take me; Hear I am'. Jesus sees straight into the heart of man and if He sees genuine repentance He is there with His arms wide open!

I have trusted Him before - I just need to keep on trusting Him and be more vigilent that I dont hurt the closest thing to my heart and try to mend the broken threads with prayer and heartfelt repentence...

Please seek Jesus today - He is all that you will ever need, and thats a promise!

Unfortunately, getting stressed for me is a pastime! I know that a lot of you might think its a 'female' tendency but whether it is or not I have it and I dont like it!

Yesterday a colleague of mine who recently left the organisation said that we might close down very soon. BOOM!!!! That was it - the stress wheels got straight into action, emitting all sorts of scary possibilities - one thought that flew across my mind was that I would be plunged into abject financial doom till forever!

I immediately got on the internet and started to scout job sites and got my self into a ridiculous whirl! I thought listening to music would calm me down - but all I could think of was not being able to pay off the lease on my car and having to move back to my mother's house!

With logical thinking completely out the window I decided to go for a good hour of kick boxing. With what I thought were my frustrations completely kicked out with a vengeance I actually felt better. Only to find that I had an incredibly restless nights sleep.

Whoever said things are always better the next morning; was actually right! As a practice - I have to begin my day with God and whilst reading today's bible verse God reminded me of the time Jesus was on a fishing boat on the sea of Gallilee when harsh winds started to rock the boat which was getting filled with water. Panic stricken fishermen quickly awoke Jesus who simply held out His hand over the water and asked it to calm down... As simple as that...

With Jesus every storm is a storm in a tea cup - left up to me its a virtual tidal wave! After Jesus had calmed the seas He asked the fishermen if they had any faith at all; they were stunned amazed that a mere man could even control the seas. Left alone we cant, but in Jesus' Name we can. I transferred this scenario into my situation and felt like a complete heel! I had to go back to my confessions of faith to realise who and what God is it to me. I had to repent and ask for renewed blessings this morning - How blessed am I to sit on the lap of my Father in heaven and pour out all my worries to Him and know that He will make me ok again.

Faith is knowing that with Jesus no matter what the situation is He only has your best interests at heart - and He is faithful...

Today's Bible reading has a very, very interesting and hopeful phrase. Its taken from Psalm 55:22, which says, 'God will never let the righteous fall down'

Now it also raises the question of 'am I righteous?'. Today is my mother's brithday, our relationship has always been strained and its one that causes me to fall away from God which ever way I choose to go. If I stay we argue, if I leave her we don't talk at all! The latter being a far better option at the moment and so I have been living on my own for nearly a year now.

I know that the bible says we should honour our father's and mother's, scripture further outlines that parents are given God-like importance and we as children are to obey them as we obey God. What happens then if our parents are not walking in a God-like manner and we seemingly are?? I'm not saying that my mother is un-Godly neither am I calling myself worthy of being totally righteous, but where then do I find a spritual balance between the precepts of God and the limitations of the flesh? So I went back to the bible. There are a ton of passages about obedience and the importance of taking heed of the counsel of parents. My issue lies herein; I'm a committed Christian, which to my mother is just a half baked, 'charismatic' form of worship that is simply unaccceptable; to her its a form of a cult! She is a Bhuddist convert and now an orthodox Anglican. My family are the 'pillars' of the local Anglican church. I was also part of this 'religious' upbringing - the difference to me now is that my 'upbringing' is spiritual and God-led. I'm judged by the way of my heart and not simply by my works.

Try as I might to convince her otherwise it just caused division in an already so called 'Christian' household. It was then that I read a bible verse in the New Testament that my choice to follow Jesus would cause division between brothers and sisters, parents and child; where belief in God is simply religious and not spriritual. The bible further said that i will come under heavy persecution and slander - all of which I did and probably still do from within my family...

Trying to deal with my inner hurts, frustrations and anger about this situation has had a baring on my spirituality and my ability to call myself righteous before God. The fact that my family was not an affectionate one does not help the way I feel toward them. Its been tough trying to forgive...

I do know one thing though, my mother does pray, and I know that somewhere in those prayers out of hurt, anger or is just through pure maternal duty, she still prays for me. And I need to resolve that that is all I need from her. The rest is up to me. I had resolved a while ago that I wasnt going to let anyone or anything come between Jesus and me, and even if it killed me I would choose to do the right thing by God. It doesnt always work; and often you choose the low road instead of the high one. Its times like this that you ask yourself the question 'What would Jesus do?'

Didnt Jesus leave His earthly parents, Mary & Joseph, and follow the instructions of His Father in Heaven? Didnt His earthly parents understand that Jesus had a chosen way to Walk? They did. They accepted it, they even accepted the fact that He would have to die to save mankind. The Mary and Joseph of the bible are real, not fairytale actors and are part of the life of Christ and are no different from parents of today, accept that maybe they were more in tune with God than we are.

My goal is to walk in righteousness as Jesus walked on earth. Do I accept blame for my mother's hurt? Yes, I do. Am I righteous? Yes, because I love Jesus, and the laws He has set before me, and I perceive in my heart to please Him; and I embrace my cross and will rejoice in my trials and persecutions because the Lord said 'I will make peace your governor and righteousness your ruler.'

This does not make me sinless or blameless cos God's Work is in progress in my life but it does make me hopeful, that I will reign in righteousness ordained by God one day, for His Word further says that 'The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.'

'Praise God, for His mercy endures forever'

Isn't it amazing how when it comes to your physical appearance people become like mirrors with opinions!!

All my life I've been either 'too fat' or 'too thin' mostly 'too fat'. The most blatant comment I ever got was 'Oh my God, you are so huge, arent you doing anything about it?!', this from a guy that probably had a 38 inch waist!!!!

I've realized that people notice the slightest changes, it beats me how well tuned their powers of observation are. I've become accustomed to 'you've put on weight', 'gosh if you fall dont expect us to carry you', even people I barely know have something to say about the way I look and its not always complimentary!

There was a time when it mattered and I lost 20 kilos drastically and it made me close to being anorexic! What dawned on me later on is that words are like sharp swords that pierce right into the heart... thats really sad... Its hurtful and cruel and can do serious damage to someone

Thankfully - I have ceased to care what people think and say. What amazes me is that the ones who comment on the way I look have pretty serious physical flaws which I wouldnt dare to point out - its just not me to do that

I also realised that I am not stereotypical and I dont ever want to be like everyone else. Life would be way too boring that way; being different makes me unique and if I want to be fat or thin its up to me.

Personally - I like what I see and as long as I dont scream in fear when I look at myself in the mirror - this is the way I'm going to stay.

God may have asked us to look after the bodies He gave us, but He never said we should idolise or worship them...